Chapter XXXIX, where Adele talks about time
Danielle's the waitress's name. I asked her when she came to take my order. There's not a clock to be seen anywhere at this café - which only contributes to the feeling that time stops while I'm here.
I often dream about events that only take place a few weeks after I've had the dreams. I can see places, listen to conversations. Later, I recognize the faces of people I had never met until I look at them and remember that I've had a dream about them. Maybe time isn't linear like we think it is and it doesn't go only as far as now. I don't know what to make of the future because I can't understand what doesn't exist, what is only a dream, a plan, an expectation. Next second is something we can't reach, until it simply jumps to life out of the clock.
I woke up this morning and as I looked up at the ceiling, deciding whether to get up or stay in bed, I found myself feeling jealous of Noelle, my dog. She jumped on my face and tried to lick my cheeks, her way of asking me to get under the blankets so she can sleep a bit more. She just undertands what now is and what she remembers from the past is only enough to know I took her home and took care of her or not even that, she just remembers the little things - where she's supposed to go pee, or where her bowls are and where she keeps her little sock with which she likes to play. Everythings she wants, she wants it now. Everything's so urgent for Noelle.
It's been 11 years my sister passed away. My parents and she didn't have a good relationship and had fought and disagreed on God knows what for as long as I remember. They never stopped loving each other, but they would expect so much from the future, always postponing making amends, trusting time heals everything - give her time, she'll come around. They didn't speak for years until one day they got a phone call saying she was found dead. There wasn't really time for her coming around, was there?
So I am jealous of Noelle's capacity of missing me - the 'me' part not being important here, but the 'missing' one. It doesn't matter if for 5 minutes to take the garbage out or hours when I leave for work, and when I come back, she gets really, really happy, without realizing how long she had been missing me. It just doesn't matter. She's happy to be with me again. She'll miss me with the same intensity whenever I'm gone, unlike what happens to us. We let go too easily, we forget people as if it was supposed to happen anyway, and we rely on the passing of time to heal us and bring us surprises, which we always believe will be good ones. Because we do so, undertanding - no, realizing - that the future is nothing but a void, a blank space, it's only emptiness - is so difficult. We'd rather think future is something so promising and bright. It's like it can contain anything, it's like a million possibilities that will unveil themselves as we make choices, almost like a Pandora's box in a good sense, with only good bits, sorta. Well, it's not, as life has shown me. And whatever I want for my life, I want it now, I want it right now.
I often dream about events that only take place a few weeks after I've had the dreams. I can see places, listen to conversations. Later, I recognize the faces of people I had never met until I look at them and remember that I've had a dream about them. Maybe time isn't linear like we think it is and it doesn't go only as far as now. I don't know what to make of the future because I can't understand what doesn't exist, what is only a dream, a plan, an expectation. Next second is something we can't reach, until it simply jumps to life out of the clock.
I woke up this morning and as I looked up at the ceiling, deciding whether to get up or stay in bed, I found myself feeling jealous of Noelle, my dog. She jumped on my face and tried to lick my cheeks, her way of asking me to get under the blankets so she can sleep a bit more. She just undertands what now is and what she remembers from the past is only enough to know I took her home and took care of her or not even that, she just remembers the little things - where she's supposed to go pee, or where her bowls are and where she keeps her little sock with which she likes to play. Everythings she wants, she wants it now. Everything's so urgent for Noelle.
It's been 11 years my sister passed away. My parents and she didn't have a good relationship and had fought and disagreed on God knows what for as long as I remember. They never stopped loving each other, but they would expect so much from the future, always postponing making amends, trusting time heals everything - give her time, she'll come around. They didn't speak for years until one day they got a phone call saying she was found dead. There wasn't really time for her coming around, was there?
So I am jealous of Noelle's capacity of missing me - the 'me' part not being important here, but the 'missing' one. It doesn't matter if for 5 minutes to take the garbage out or hours when I leave for work, and when I come back, she gets really, really happy, without realizing how long she had been missing me. It just doesn't matter. She's happy to be with me again. She'll miss me with the same intensity whenever I'm gone, unlike what happens to us. We let go too easily, we forget people as if it was supposed to happen anyway, and we rely on the passing of time to heal us and bring us surprises, which we always believe will be good ones. Because we do so, undertanding - no, realizing - that the future is nothing but a void, a blank space, it's only emptiness - is so difficult. We'd rather think future is something so promising and bright. It's like it can contain anything, it's like a million possibilities that will unveil themselves as we make choices, almost like a Pandora's box in a good sense, with only good bits, sorta. Well, it's not, as life has shown me. And whatever I want for my life, I want it now, I want it right now.
posted by Adele at 8:31 PM
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