Chapter XIX, where Adele realizes she doesn't know where she came from

Isn't this weird? I have only realized it this morning, exactly at 6:15 a.m. as I was showering before leaving. I mean. I was never a child, can you imagine that? I was born this age. I was born old. I don't have parents and I have no memories of my childhood, I was never a silly teenager. Never had crushes. Never had to think why I was not popular. I never got to play. I never got to ride a bike and fall and have my knees hurt. I didn't have to learn the alphabet. My handwriting has always been neat. I never had a thing for telephones they way 3-year-old kids have. I didn't have a brother who would talk to me while my mom was pregnant with me: Hey, you, I'm your brother, we're all waiting for you out here. We can't wait. I have never listened to classical music in my mom's womb. Like Chopin or something. Chopin makes me cry. I never had a dog who would be my best friend in the whole world and who then just died one day. I have never been to a funeral.

My double's grandmother sewed her a rag doll. She was probably 8 or 9. Her grandmother was really old and had Parkinson disease. She'd shake and sew. She painted eyes and a mouth on the doll face and of course it was all blurred. She gave the doll to my double, who simply said: I don't like it, grandma. I think she regrets it. I think it's probably the one thing in her life she regrets really. Her grandma baked her cakes and the perfume would take the whole house. My double dreamed about her grandmother right after her passing away. She said, 'It's me - grandma. I can't tell you exactly where I am, but I just want to know if you're ok.' She was. She hung up the phone. Her grandpa was a cowboy, whose greatest pride was having moved to the city and having been able to build a house. He would kiss her again and again; he was often unshaved. It tickled her face. She would laugh. He told her stories and held her tightly.

I never had any of those things.

Chapter XVIII, in which Adele thinks her double's a nut case

Yep. Pretty much. Boy, if only I could have control over her thoughts (or at least some of them) and I could stop her from doing certain things. So, yes, she got dumped by the X. Crying night and day, loss of weigh, swearing and damning his forthcoming generations and the bitch he fell in love with, the whole "I got dumped" deal. It was autumn then. It's spring now, right? So, basically, we're talking about 3 whole seasons. Not really. It was almost turning winter, so, ok, 2 seasons and a piece of another one.

I should've stopped her. I should. But I didn't. It's not really my fault, you know? I have too much to worry about being me, to much to feel guilty about when it comes to my "not quite existence", I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for her now. I couldn't stop her. She calls the shots around here, you know? Having the body and all, it gives her a lot of power over me. So it's clear now she's not in love with the ex and she now can look back and see that things with him wouldn't work out really. Too little in common, too much to deal with. This all was quite liberating. She needed that. So, just don't. Don't feel sorry for her, she's passed that stage now where she'd call all her friends and tell them I feel like shit, please come over and hold me and let me use your T-shirt sleeve to blow my nose on. She's fine, she's ok.

It's just. It seems unfair to her. I told her - it has nothing to do with being fair. It's just how life is and the sooner you accept shit happens all the time the better. You take some pretty good things out of life too. Like. Possibilities. Having new possibilities and choices ahead is as nice as it gets

Be like the river that flows
silently into the night.
Do not fear the dark of night.
Reflect any stars that are there in the sky.
And if the sky is dark with clouds,
since clouds are water just like the river,
without regret, reflect them too
in the deep calm waters.

The river - Manuel Bandeira

I wish I had a river.

Chapter XVIII, in which Adele thinks her double's a nut case

Yep. Pretty much. Boy, if only I could have control over her thoughts (or at least some of them) and I could stop her from doing certain things. So, yes, she got dumped by the X. Crying night and day, loss of weigh, swearing and damning his forthcoming generations and the bitch he fell in love with, the whole "I got dumped" deal. It was autumn then. It's spring now, right? So, basically, we're talking about 3 whole seasons. Not really. It was almost turning winter, so, ok, 2 seasons and a piece of another one.

I should've stopped her. I should. But I didn't. It's not really my fault, you know? I have too much to worry about being me, to much to feel guilty about when it comes to my "not quite existence", I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for her now. I couldn't stop her. She calls the shots around here, you know? Having the body and all, it gives her a lot of power over me. So it's clear now she's not in love with the ex and she now can look back and see that things with him wouldn't work out really. Too little in common, too much to deal with. This all was quite liberating. She needed that. So, just don't. Don't feel sorry for her, she's passed that stage now where she'd call all her friends and tell them I feel like shit, please come over and hold me and let me use your T-shirt sleeve to blow my nose on. She's fine, she's ok.

It's just. It seems unfair to her. I told her - it has nothing to do with being fair. It's just how life is and the sooner you accept shit happens all the time the better. You take some pretty good things out of life too. Like. Possibilities. Having new possibilities and choices ahead is as nice as it gets

Be like the river that flows
silently into the night.
Do not fear the dark of night.
Reflect any stars that are there in the sky.
And if the sky is dark with clouds,
since clouds are water just like the river,
without regret, reflect them too
in the deep calm waters.

The river - Manuel Bandeira

I wish I had a river.